HELLO! This is QianQian's place!
and ****** is the love.
Qian.
4FOUR'09
J105'10
Amkss;Redcrosser
YJC;Volleyballer
♥ the piano and you:D
Photos!
Endless thoughts.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010, 2:25 AM
Haha I realise I tend to extract unhappiness from myself and think over-positivelyto an extent I'm bluffing myself
But it's funny how a message with 3/4 of it hurting me but 1/4 of it being sweet yet I can actually be smiling happily jumping cause somehow only the 1/4 of it will fill my whole mind & heart.
Effects of being too optimistic.
Is this a good or bad thing?
All along I thought I grew so much stronger, stronger than many others
putting up a smile even on worst days
I thought with the kind of problems I have, being able to be happy was really strong
Then I realise no.
I'm still the freaking weak noob.
It was all because I knew I haven't lost someone.
Like I knew you're still there.
Cause I realise if I really did,
I don't think I can be this strong/brave already...
Different mindsets. How do I perservere alone.
Those promises.
Always supporting me from the heart?
Then why do you seem like giving up.
Why aren't you supporting us.
Sighhh.
What must I do to make you understand nothing was a rash decision I'm turning 18 and mature enough to know who I'm serious about?
Why do you seem to think that to me you were just a crush -.-
All the tests were more than enough for me to know what kind of a feeling it is?
Is it because of the way I behave, childishly, so I look like some immature kid whose emo-ing about puppy love......
It's not la seriously.
Even you don't believe?!
We really have totally different mindsets about us, entirely opposite ways of wanting to handle this.
Your perserverence level = ......20%? -.-
And to think back in april someone actually said I had weak perserverence & my positive attitude falls apart so quickly.
Ahh whatever. You happy can already!
But there's something.
I realise I really don't know you well enough.
Reading the old conversations I realise in the past I was so immature and uncaring that I didn't even bother putting enough effort to know how you really feel
Ahh I suck.
Cause I realise every single day, every moment, you've troubles, entanglements in the heart/mind, complicated thinkings and unhappiness in you everyday.
Littlest things make you really happy.
In the past I just keep getting pissed off cause you think sooo much, like creating problems for yourself.
I hated that cause I wanted a simple life.
Just two people in love being together sweet and simple.
I hate to think of consequences blahh that I knew wouldn't even happen.
To me if the problem doesn't cause any death then it isn't a problem. -.-
But that was really sucky and selfish.
Now getting more and more grown up I know no matter what
no matter how dumb how much I disagree how much I hate you worrying about many unnecessary stuff
I should have been there, to listen to your rants, to understand, to work this thing out together.
To make sure there's nothing troubling you.
To make you happy everyday
I guess if I'm a 'girl' LOL, that's the kind of bf I'd want?
So if given a chance I swear I will spend 3days 3nights understanding right deep into your heart (LOL) and make you feel 100000x better.
Cause sometimes you think so much bout everything that you really make me worry manz.
Though my existance is like super moral now,
its like I don't exist I make no diff to anything
But just wanna tell you
I'll always be here.
Something different between friendships & relationships.
Though many people always say what relationships not worth investing time, friends are the ones always there in the end... blah blah blah. (right don't invest time/efforts with your marriage partner loh -.-)
I never agreed
y'all should know how much i treasure friends -.-
not that I don't, but I only treasure those who I 100% trust & know are true, will be there.
Those I treasure alot ok!
Like the two... (don't want to say if not that pig will start her nonsense bhb-ing)
Though I trust some people in yj like 60% now (that's alot for a 10month friendship) but still..
Ahh I just don't trust people easily. or do I?
Anyway the difference is that friends, they will never be 100% interested in your matters or 100% concerned.
It's human nature.
Everyone's only concerned about their own stuff, things that concern them.
Even if close friends care, you can gossip whine to them,
I guess you'd agree that none of them will bother/is able to really understand how you exactly feel and be there for life?
There's a limit to friends, cause they have their own life and problems to handle too.
They can't be always there.
But in a relationship (talking about true love not those play flirt kind)
since more than half your heart & life belongs to your girlfri,
since there's that strong feeling called LOVE~~~~ which makes you care for her worry & all,
I guess your girlfri/boyfri will be the only one in the world wanting to understand you and clear all your problems for you, and always be there?
I mean two people in a serious relationship, your problems are my problems what.
Everyone has their own problems to handle, but since most of your life revolves around your partner, probably 70% of both parties' problems are the same/related?
Shiatz I sound like I praising myself huh. Hahaha.
But I guess you get what I mean!
Since you always do ^^
Of course family are also the ones always there la(:
Like my mum,
sometimes in the middle of the night when I'm sick when I've headache or I slept too early without having dinner,
she's always the one worrying waking up in the middle to feed me medicine cook me dinner and all.
My dad waking every single night to take my phone away so I won't have radiation.
Parental love is really the one that asks for no returns.
Unconditional love. Awwww~
Due to fears & obedience now we restrain ourselves from certain stuff
But I'm really really afraid that one day
if anything happens
it'll be too late to regret
I mean if you knew you were dying tmrw
wouldn't you hate yourself for not fighting for what you wanted
for not having the last moments with the one you love?
I would.
I'd frigging regret that we didn't follow our hearts
that none of our dreams had a chance to come true
that I wasted my entire life worrying
for nothing
worrying about consequences that never happened
when we could have spent it together since I was going to die already?
If you knew you were dying tmrw,
will you still behave the way you do now?
Live life everyday like it's the last.
I guess that's what it means.
I wish we could.
Everything's just difficult without your support.
Cause the thing that needs your support the most is us.
I <3 blogging out my thoughts.
It makes me feel so much better everytime.
So all the long posts.
It's actually only 60% of what I actually want to say.
LOL now I think I think alot but you still win! -.-
OKAY other stuff now.
I HATE MY HAIR )))):
The sides are flying I can't stand it and worse I can't seem to find what's wrong!
Nabei this is an emergency.
Hahaha. I need to go somewhere good to repair it, probably kimage after supp!
And omg I can't help laughing at something.
Hahaha just imagining it...... damn I'd want to see if I could ):
Hope there are photos! :D
Oh oh and I want to do something.
Something I've tried since a year ago but never succeeded. -.-
OK IT'S NOTHING BIG LOL.
So after supp, which is 25th,
26th onwards I should have the time
so I decided since its that date,
I'm gonna make sure I can finally successfully dian ge and someone successfully hears it!
So 933 for that night please(:
Ahh I really don't know how 913's works but I want to dian eng ones more ):
Whatever! Anyway......
BRIDGE IS THE NEWEST LOVE HAHAHA.
Whole class is super obsessed with it!
Somemore initially I was like the only one who didn't know how to play bridge so I kept looking at others only then so sad ):
Then thanks to sheryl & chris & blah blah
THEN I FINALLY KNOW AND GETTING PROER AND EVEN WITH SUPP PAPERS THIS THURS I STILL PLAYED THROUGH THE 3HOUR BREAK TODAY. D:
This is no good manz.
But I'm super addicted, I can't stand it!
During physics lecture what was going through my mind was actually tactics to win a bridge game -.-
WANTING YIXUAN LET'S PLAY BRIDGE ON OUR NEXT OUTING!!!
Ok its 2:23am I've school tmrw but I'm supposed to mug physics and here I am.
So I'm off bye!
ps// MARY TAN don't use your ____________ blog k! LOVE YA HAHA.
I hope we're meant to be. ):